BOMBARMENT!

Are you bombarded?

I am.

By what you ask?

Advertisements!

On television. on radio, on the highways, in all retail outlets and constantly on the internet chewing up my data!

On TV recently, in my country of residence, there are 2 Adverts that make me want to throw things at the screen.

The first shows a Grandma driving her grandchildren, the unfortunate lady is involved in a car crash, numerous telephone calls are made between her husband and a representative of her insurance company that ironically does it “her way!”, and the other is a pair of old shoes that continually dance on a pavement, with rain pouring down and the voice-over asking me to tune in to “Strictly Come Dancing”.

I don’t dance, never have, and never will, and I hate with a vengeance all insurance companies, in, out, or my way!

I suppose that it varies from country to country but the above two over the last two weeks seem to appear on every channel I tune into in the Republic of SA. They even find their way onto the sporting channels interrupting my football, cricket or rugby match! If the Ads were for DIY products, or food, drink, or popcorn they would be more palatable!

The first computer nerd that comes up with an App that will immediately blank out my TV screen when ads are played or just mute the sound, will have its first subscriber here in the Johannesburg suburb of Zuma-Shower-Town! And probably make him or her a multi-dollar millionaire overnight!

Adverts and advertising are only useful to those amongst us that have a steady and lucrative income. At the present time, all local News bulletins tell us we are in a “Technical Repression”, to my understanding that means the common man has got no money to spend!

I’d be delighted if one of these many News channels, would hire an expert who is knowledgeable in the field of economics and let him or her explain what a “Technical Repression” is!

My basic knowledge gained from over seventy years on this commercially engineered planet, tells me that it means; “We ain’t got any money to spend!”

Another infuriating aspect of television advertising, apart from the repetition of what I call stupid Ads is the apparent inability of the advertising agencies and broadcasters to realise that one month has ended, and another has begun. This I’ve just witnessed while watching Sky News on the 1^st of October 2018 and I’m being told to watch the wonderous programmes that will be shown in September!

Somebody somewhere has failed to look at a calendar or failed to look at their other devices that constantly deliver unwanted adverts, their so-called-Smart-Phones or Tablets.

Things were a lot more efficient in the days of pencil, paper, calendar on the wall and the Homing-Messenger-Pidgeon.

This same stupidity also enters the retail world. In supermarkets and all corner shops which now seem to have new scanning technology that records the sales price of every item and rings it up at the till-point. I’m afraid that I was schooled in the days of mental-arithmetic and can still tell the cashier how much I have spent! Aren’t the youngsters of today taught their multiplication tables and how to add and subtract?

I suspect they are not and instead are instructed on how to punch the necessary keys on their Smart-Phones or Tablets.

My Grandpa and sometimes Grandma constantly tested me as they walked me to and from primary school on my multiplication tables and my ability to add and subtract, so that by the age of eight I could score a 301 or a 501 darts match.

To remind you; this task was done using a piece of chalk on a blackboard always to the right of the dartboard and required the scorer to quickly add up the points that had just been scored and deduct them from the previous total of each player. Things got a little more complicated towards the end of the game as the players had to end on a double.

A dart in the outer-ring, a double, won the game. This became a bit tricky for the scorer as he had to shout the possible next double the player should aim for dependant on the players throw.

I cite an example; if a player were after a double sixteen that meant he had thirty-two left and then he throws a sixteen the scorer would have to shout double eight. Say the player then throws an eleven that means the player has five left. So, the scorer then shouts, “One and two twos, or three and double one.”

Subtraction and division at work. You got it?

It certainly helped me in mathematics at school and made me a reasonable darts player so that I played for the team at my local pub, “The Carpenters Arms” when I was at R.A.D, A. in London.

Bridge and Cribbage are two other games that help improve one’s maths. This time playing cards are involved and it is important to remember what cards are played and when. As there are fifty-two cards in a standard deck counting down the cards that are played is a huge advantage.

Today all this scoring in darts matches is done electronically and for me it takes the “scorer” out of the game to be replaced by usually an off-screen presenter or commentator.

The technique of card counting has been used for ages and is very common with card-sharps at casinos.

Card counting is a strategy used primarily in the blackjack and poker games at casinos and gives a clue whether the next hand is likely to give a probable advantage to the player or to the dealer. Card counters are a class of advantage-players who attempt to decrease the inherent casino’s edge by keeping a running tally of all high and low valued cards seen by the players. Card counting allows players to bet more with less risk when the count gives an advantage as well as minimize losses during an unfavorable count. Card counting also provides the ability to alter playing decisions based on the composition of remaining cards.

Group-Counting is a huge advantage. This was the system used by the MIT Blackjack team, whose story was in turn the inspiration for the Canadian movie “The Last Casino”, which was later re-made into the Hollywood version called “21”.

Getting back to advertisements.

I must admit that in my younger years I did many voice-overs for radio and television adverts and this helped me survive financially between other stage and film work. I also performed in three TV Ads but the most enjoyable was one in which I received no income. It was for a charity called “Boys Town”. This institution was and is a marvelous organisation that houses and cares for young boys who had either been thrown out of their homes or were destitute.

It still operates today caring for thousands of unwanted male and female youngsters. It provides a roof over their heads and educates them, so they can enter the commercial rat-race of life.

It would seem to me that our schools and educational institutions should teach all youngsters on how to plant and grow vegetables, how to add, subtract and multiply mentally instead of making them rely on their computers and electronic gadgets.

Perhaps this is old-fashioned, but it will stop me meeting teenagers who don’t know the difference between and isosceles triangle and an obtuse triangle and do not know what an arc and a parallelogram is. Some I have spoken to do not know what a right angle is!

So, I hope that bombardment continues but instead of a constant bombardment of adverts encouraging us to buy what we don’t need, I propose that we bombard our children and grandchildren with the ten-times table, with mental addition and subtraction, with obtuse and isosceles triangles, parallelograms, squares and cubes.

A universal bombardment of basic EDUCATION!

Voice Overs

The art of performing in a drama broadcast on the wireless, or steam radio as it was affectionately called in the sixties, is unfortunately gone.

The skills displayed by Sir John Gielgud, Sir Larry, Sir Ralph and many other of my fellow knighted Thespians are possibly lost forever. Our American cousins also contributed to this now dying art.

 The great Orson Welles’ radio production of The War of the worlds in 1938 had thousands of the listening public rushing to their local shops to stock up on baked beans as they believed the Martians were landing.

More recently Robert de Niro, Sam Shepard and Al Pacino have displayed their talent in radio dramas.

But unfortunately today most radio stations across the globe broadcast either music, news or phone-in chat shows around the clock.

The latter – the Talk stations – now bombard our ears with a style similar to the recently created Reality TV channel and the bizarrely popular Jerry Springer show. The highly talented presenters invite the listening public to air their clean and dirty linen on the airwaves twenty four hours a day.

The use of the thespian skills of the jobbing actor in the field of radio have slowly diminished since the mid-seventies. Acting on the radio required the fine tuning of the actor’s most valued asset – his voice. The art of moving on and off the microphone to convey a sense of distance; the half covering of the mouth to create a whispered aside; the close-on-mike purred delivery for the intimate bedroom scene. All these practiced tricks of the trade have been lost.

Or have they?

Nowadays instead of gently delivering the classic romantic line, “But soft what light through yonder window breaks?” many highly trained and versatile actors are asked to croon softly into the mike and utter such wonderful lines of dialogue like, “Zinophay Shampoo gently caresses your hair from root to tip.”

This bastardisation of the art of radio acting is called “Doing a voice over”. Many jobbing actors across the globe have been enticed by the lure of the green backs to hire their voices to advertising agencies. I too fell to the smell of money but being a crafty old sod I endeavored to kill two birds with one stone. I was determined to fill my wallet and my “Toddie” at the same time.

For thirteen years of my life I extolled the almost non-existent virtues of a larger which stood the test of time. It was during this time that I became au fait with the jargon of the advertising agencies.

It was a gradual learning curve as I began to understand the difference between a copywriter and an artistic director, between an executive director and an account executive, between the client and the client’s marketing manager, between a client executive consultant advisor and Tom, Dick, Harry and all.

It was during this period that I managed to keep Toddie full as I requested part payment in Long Tom cans of Castle larger for my mate Coxy. ( Read "Long Days Journey into Friendship")

Unlike working either on film or on the stage, where the actor has to follow the careful guidance of his one and only boss, the director, - in the loneliness of his sound proofed booth the voice artist has to deal with sometimes seven or eight directors. And this number can double if members of the product’s creative brand imaging team are also present in the studio.

Nobody in the world of advertising or product marketing seems to appreciate that in the creative world of theatre or film there is no place for democracy. The director is a dictator. I don’t think that Mr. Speilberg held a four hour meeting with his writer, his cameraman, his actor, his creative technical supervisor and his underarm deodorant supplier before he shouted, “Print that one!” as ET said, “Go-home.”

The legendary Orson Welles had such a confrontational meeting with a team of semi creative minds when he was asked to do a voice over for some frozen peas in 1978.

Orson at this stage of his life was not a small man in mass or temperament and for an over sixteen stone man to be confined in one and a half square metres of space can only be described as uncomfortable.

The line he was asked to deliver was “The New Fresh Frozen Garden Pea.”

He delivered four “takes”, sat back, lit up a cigar and waited.

Through the glass he watched the menagerie of Ad agency and product marketers discuss his readings. “Mr. Welles, could you possibly try a heavier stress on the word new.” Piped up creative brain number one.

“Sure thing”, and he obliged.

 “I’m sorry Mr. Welles, go for the fresh.” Said the marketing manager.

He obliged. 

“I’m really sorry Mr. Welles, could you try the stress on Garden.”, asked the customer services manager.

He obliged. 

“Would you mind if we tried it on Frozen and Fresh.”, asked the bespectacled managing director of the frozen pea company.

He obliged.

“I’m sorry too,” he quickly injected, “but I need to take a pee!”

He walked out of the studio and was never seen again.